struggling

I can honestly say I am at a point in my life where I am struggling medically,physically.I know it sounds dumb as i know how much we mean to Bill,however i didn't realize it fully till he came home as i have been in and out of the hospital,i have swelling in the front part of my head and my neck and spine.That is why i haven't been around much i just don't have the energy,not because i don't care or love you guys dearly.I have such a hard time opening up for fear of judgement.I come from divorced grandparents,two half uncles one my age the other a few years younger.All but my aunt on my dad's side(5) are all on their second marriages,dad married my bestfriend resulting in my two sisters,whom i love with all my heart.On my mom's side(9)only my two aunts are not divorced and my two uncles who died from what my brother has.I left home at 16 due to my stepdad(yes bad).The relationship my mom and i had is gone but i have faith it will work out in the end.Then here i am in the mix i am 34 with a 16 years old and 12 year old two different dad's and yet i married someone completly different.For years i kept on thinking what have i done, i believe everything happens for a reason.I always thought i was a really bad person as i thought God was punishing me .Now i know it was God's plan for me to see that I was going in the wrong dircetion.Bill told me that he just loves the changes in the kids and how God has grabbed hold of them,but the big change in how I can now honestly say it is not in my hands and God will provide,For the first time in my life I am becoming the fun loving carefree person I used to love.