Long time since my last post..,

Have you ever been so scared that you don't really know what to do?The last month and a half i have been having pains in my back and side and stomach. Well i finally went to the dr's and they did lots of blood work and other tests,to only get called to have to go back in.Some of my tests have come in and it isn't good.So now i'm thinking why did i wait so long?
I never wanted a life with regret but i have one regret.A dear family friend passed away yesterday. I only went to see him once in the last month.I couldn't bring myself to go back and see him it just hurt too much and i wish i had been there everyday.I keep thinking what kind of friend was I.
He taught my brother and i soo very much.He believed in me and my dreams even when i didn't.He was always there to talk to, to listen to,he was supportive and understanding and loving.And now he is gone and the pain is so overwhelming.I will always remember our motorcycle rides.I will always remember his smile,laugh and his kind and gentle heart.

Thankful Thursday.., ahh i'm a day late again!!!

Well this week I'm late due to a sinus cold,which is taking forever to go away.
I am so thankful for so much each and every day that sometimes it is hard to write down what i am most thankful for..,
I am so very thankful for the life i have been given,to be able to wake up knowing I am not alone.
I am thankful for my two wonderful,loving and caring children, with whom are my entire world.
I am thankful for my two beautiful sisters and my amazing brother.
I am thankful for the blossoming relationship with my mom.
I am thankful for my home church and all my wonderful family that I miss so very much each and everyday.
I am so very thankful for the simple things in life!!!
Blessings!!!
I leave you all with this

I finally got the courage..,

After a long break from church i finally had the courage to go back.It wasn't because I didn't want to.It was because I moved away from my home church,from what was familiar and was and always will be family.As i got ready yesterday i wanted to not go but there was like a pull telling me to go.So i went and was i glad i did as it was my pastor's last Sunday here before returning home.I had been feeling lost, cranky and was missing something.Now i know what i was missing.I never realized what a big part my beliefs play in my life until now. I don't know why sometimes we think we can do better on our own without God.I certainly can't I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and it is all in god's timing.Why with the things that have happened in my life lately the good an bad I know i just need to trust in him.For no harm will come. i leave you with
Phillipians 4:11-13
I want to learn to be content in whatever circumstances I am in.Whether I am abased or in abundance,whether I am filled or hungry,I want to learn the secret of being content in any and situation.
I can do all things through Him who strenghtens me.

tell me why??

My Parents!!!!

Someone wise once told me that you can't pick your parents.How does one overcome ones parents.For me growing up I didn't have the normal two parent home,i had four.My Dad left my mom just two weeks before my 13th birthday.It wasn't till that summer that the truth came out and it had devasting effects.The trust i had for someone who was my bestfriend was shattered.I have forgiven but i can't and oh i wish i could.I went to live with my Dad when i was 16 due to certain circumstances only to be asked to move out when i was 17 and pregnant.I pretty much have been alone without my parents that is. I was 15 when my brother and sister were born they are not twins but are 27 days apaart.I was 21 when my baby sister was born.As I have gotten older i have realized that my parents only did the best that they could for they were young when they had me.With my Dad realizing this doesn't help with the void i feel and i'm left with why don't you love me? Why haven't you been there?Why don't you want to know your grandchildren? All these questions come by honestly as my Dad is sick!I'm left to wonder if I will ever get the answers to the questions I'm asking.When can i come home and see you?
With my mom i know that her life has been anything but easy!She works fulltime and takes care of my brother who is terminally ill,and at the end of the day doesn't have much time for anything else.I know that when i went to move in with my dad i hurt her.It is something she never forgave me for and it shows in our relationship for she wasn't there either.She wasn't there when my children were born and has missed out on so much. I have questions for her to. Is why didn't you love me unconditionally like a mom is suppossed to? Why weren't you there?Why did it take me moving back for us to build our bond?However with my mom we now live in the same town again and we are slowly reparing our realionship.
My dad is doing as good as he can.I pray everyday for his forgiveness and not a day goes by that i don't think of him.My mom has me worried I only pray that right now she is overwhelmed and is forgetting things and buying as a cause of that and not somewthing more swerious.I feel that at the present time I am losing both my parents and brother all at the same time.

OOPS!!!!

Wow am I tired I went to post my post and i forgot to post what i posted!!!Silly me!!!Well i sit here every week and really put a lot of thought into what I am thankful for.This week im thankful for so many different things.
I am thankful for the better developing relationship with my mom.Not too many of you know but I was so angry with my mom when my dad left us.I know I was 12 but i blames her and i never should have.Then the truth came out and the anger shifted.Over the years we have both hurt each other so much to thep point that i never thought there would be forgiveness.
I am so very thankful for modern medicine as without it my clinical depression would not be getting better with each and everyday.I am thankful for my wonderful doctor who explained why i have to take my medication.I do not produce the chemical seritonin which is outr bodies happy drug.Like a diebetic i need to take it to have my body work right.So for that I thank you!
I am thankful for my children's health!
I am thankful for wonderful friends who through thick and thin will always be there.
I am thankful for my job when in today's world so many people don't have one.
I am thankful for the love,and gifts from our heavenly father!!
I leave with this
Colossians3:16," Let the words of Christ,in all their riches,live in your hearts and make you wise.Use his words to teachand counsel each other.Sing psalms and hymns andspiritual songs to God with thankful hearts"

Thankful thursday!!!

Honesty!!!

Honesty shouldn't be so hard to have.Honestly i would rather know than not.Believe me it is always better to confess than let the person find out on their own or through other means.It takes alot of someone to admit when they have done something wrong through dishonesty and a weak person to not to.Whatever the reason all can be forgiven.But you have to forgive yourself first.I know this all too well.

Trust!!!

Is something that i value as a very important trait and i have failed at times and have hurt people that meant so very much to me!I am often told that im too nice,too trusting and naive.That in itself has gotten me into trouble.When did being a nice person bring so much heartache inot ones life?Why do people look at that as a weakness and not a strength?I am often told to grow a backbone and really look at people in a different light.However i can't as i still want to believe in the good of every person no matter what!!!I strongly believe that it isn't for me to judge anyone,only our heavenly father can judge.I also pride myself on honesty and being a good person something i have never walked away from and yet again i find it is something that people take advantage of.Why i don't know.As my life has taken so many twists and turns lately I never know what to expect anymore.I do know that no matter what it is god's plan and everything is for a reason!!!Blessings